Sunday, November 04, 2007

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. [Moon Over Scorpio]

Confused / Nov.4.2007 / Montréal, Qc / Canon Eos Digital Rebel XTi

Why do we, Scorpios, always get depressed on our birthdays?
I am 30 years old today.

I had a bad dream last night. I rarely have nightmares, because I usually control my dreams. I have been told many times by my friends, that this was almost impossible to do, and that it is freaky that I can do so. But I promise you I can.
I can just imagine a scene, sleep, dream about it, and wake up the next day in full content mode. I remember every detail of the scene, and I remember that I dreamed it. I dream in color and sound also.

Last night I had a bad dream. I was running and I was hiding. I woke up, looked at wife's angelic face seeking help... she was sleeping. I closed my eyes again, and I continued running. I was all alone.
After hours of running and ducking all around the city, I ended up hiding in the attic, in my old parents' house in Beirut. My aggressors were looking for me in the house. Thank God the house was empty, and they were not able to harm my parents. I was defending the fort on my own.
I waited until my attackers went into my old room, and from the attic, I closed my eyes and threw in a grenade. Right into my old room. Right into my memories. It fucking tore me apart, but I had to do it. I had to do it you see, they were talking and threatening that they were going to kill everySOUL I loved. So instead, I preferred to destroy them along with everyTHING I loved, and I had once owned. Every memory, and everything that has ever made me smile.

The fatality of the story is that it was all for nothing. In my dream, I was being accused of something I had not done. I was innocent. The system was so corrupt and absurd, that there was no use explaining to them that I had nothing to do with what they were accusing me of. There was nowhere for me to plead my case. I was a criminal by designation, and I had to run. I was forced to fight for my life.
To save my life, I had to destroy my past. I blew it all up with a fucking grenade.

I miss my parents. I miss my old house. I miss my Beirut.
I decided that I should go back home for Christmas. Back to the old memories I blew up when I left.
I am 30 years old today.

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27 Comments:

At 2:13 PM, Anonymous D.P said...

3a2bel el myyeh bro,
welcome to the thirties.

c u in beirut in christmas time.

PS: how could Tiny and Cutie let you suffer alone facing those bastards ?

 
At 2:23 PM, Blogger poshlemon said...

_z.,

I guess us scorpios are sad creatures by nature, which is okay. It's not bad to be sad because then life, along with happiness, can be better appreciated. But try explaining that to an optimist: he/she will think you belong in a loon house.

Your dream is just a dream. It's a lesson to learn from [that's what I do, I listen to what my dreams are telling me]. I wonder if it were that easy to destroy one's past in order to survive the present or future. I wonder if it were easy to throw away one's past, fullstop. Is it possible to go through life without a past, memories? I am not sure I could go living life not remembering who I was, who I am and why I am who I am today. Something in your dream is telling you to hold on tight to your past... in other words, to who you are.

I think you should definitely go home for Christmas.

Happy Birthday :) You're officially 30 years old now!

 
At 4:00 PM, Anonymous Rima said...

By blowing up your room ,you were starting fresh and confirming that you are building your new life there, there is nothing dramatic in this dream, it's very easy to interpret it.

Your unconscious 'me' knows already that you are building your life there, you finished your studies, got a steady job, you are taking care of yourself and your household financially and you got married, and got 30, everything is in order and at such a perfect time, i mean, other people are still 'peter-paning' at 30. You must be proud but as any human being you also have your doubts and your fear, whether you are doing the right thing,whether it's really what you want.

Anyway it's your unconscious 'me'who showed you in your dream that you must face it up and be free, i mean, khallas.

You thought that people are threatening your memories,and that they wanted to invade/destroy your house, you understood very well and acutely that the house in the dream here is really your memory, your emotional memory,and you went back to protect it, which is good and fine.

Now you must just focus on this aspect, your house now is Canada, and you are building also memories there,and your lebanese background memory can't be destroyed , it's yours, it's not in a house in your room in Beirut, it's in your head, and this is why you are also writing it so beautifully in your blog.

Keeping thoughts alive,that is how we protect our memory,by thinking , reminiscing and recollecting things.

You must not feel guilty about leaving Lebanon, and about being happy in Canada.You arent betraying your memory.

So your dream was very positive and also so cool it came on your birthday. ;)

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger laila said...

happy birthday psycho :)

guess you're a 'grown up' now (yeah right), so you gotta start acting like one!!

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Zee said...

I don't know what to say. I just gave "Scorpio" a bad rap on my blog - something about that this sign could transform into the image of an eagle, and thereby loose it's sting.
Scorpio: Acute mental clearness, abundance of sensuality, positioned to care about details others would oversee. Self destructive.
The dream, I don't even wanna go there, it is too familiar to my own. Besides, I also am able to conduct the voyage of my dreams - that we have in common.

In any case:
HAVE A WONDERFUL BEGINNING TO EMBRACE THE ADVENTURES OF YOUR 31st YEAR!
And I mean it with all the juices I got left in my heart!!!

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger laila said...

and awesome photo!

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Red said...

First of all, happy happy happy birthday to you!

That was a pretty vivid dream, wasn't it? As someone who used to wake up screaming on a semi-regular basis, I know just how difficult it is to remain unaffected by those feelings of anxiety and powerlessness. Even so, I hope daylight and the love of a good woman helped you to shake away the sadness and that you managed to enjoy the day.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger shoesthatfit said...

take it from this scorp, pre-bday depressions are real!

hope you had a wonderful b'day. i'm counting down to mine. meanwhile, i'm still nursing my depression which, in a twisted way, i draw comfort from. go figure *throws hands in the air*

ps - i think i can control my dreams too, nothing freaky about it : )

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger _z. said...

dp_
thanks buddy. glad to know you drop by here from time to time.
I didn't see tiny and cutie in my dream... I am sure they would have barked the criminals away :P

poshlemon_
dreams come true posh. they are more than lessons to learn from. well at least my dreams do come true one way or the other. this is why I am often afraid of them, when they are bad.
some ppl are able to live without memories. I know they can, I just can't and actually don't want to. i hang on to them as if the were "my precious". I love them and I find comfort in them.

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger _z. said...

rima_
wow! that's a beautiful interpretation, and so positive. I am not that used to positive attitude and optimism.
I honestly hope you to be right. merci.

laila_
merci ya helwe.

zee_
It's alright my friend, a lot of ppl don't like scorpio or are afraid of our powers :P. and I totally get the definition you provided.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for your warm and sincere birthday wishes.
see you in my dreams then.

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger _z. said...

red_
i wrote my dream, so that helped. your comments also helped. I am afraid of my bad dreams... coz as I just said, they do come true in a way.
do you still have nightmares?

shoesthatfit_
glad to know i am not alone in this. my birthday was great thanks. spent with friends and loved ones.
when is yours coming?

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger Delirious said...

Since you used "delirium" as one of your labels, I felt involved :D

Happy Birthday w ahla w sahla feek bi baladak emta ma baddak, el beit beytak!

 
At 1:42 AM, Blogger MMMMMMMMM said...

wowww, WTF was that!
Man for a second there i could totally imagine everything you described, however dreams might come true, but not because you dreamt about them... I think on a very deep level there are some things that are giving you hard times and you try to suppress themQ

Don't wanna be the shrink here mate....

Posh,
as for you scorpios well... heheh i knew you were gonna comment on this one, i just don't think you are sad creatures... I don't think _Z, I believe that sadness is a continuum, everyone has some sadness in him :) you just have a larger dose of nostalgia... I think this is because you think a lot (i.e reflect on your actions and thoughts) both of you!

P.S: happy b-day _Z
P.P.S: tell _N yeslamla sa7ib el 3id :D

 
At 3:18 AM, Blogger Red said...

I haven't had really bad nightmares for several years now -- sure, I still have the occasional bad dream, but nothing that would cause me to sit bolt upright in bed and panic. Yesss... poor Asterisk had a lot to put up with for the first few years!

Glad to hear your b-day celebrations went well!

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Belated birthday wishes, my friend. My, you're but a youngster! I have some weird dreams from time to time. Very violent, but not anything where I can draw a real parallel to an obvious state of mind, like you seem to have done. i think I prefer your way. And great that you can control them, too. That's like a superhero power!

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger _z. said...

delirious_
:P thank you!

mmmmmmmmm_
dreams don't come true because you dreamed them. you dream them because they happened or just about to. at least this is what i think.
and thanks for the bday wishes buddy.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger _z. said...

red_
glad you got rid of your fears, and I am sure *a-man has helped a lot. you two are my fav. online couple.

*(asterisk)_
thank you for the wishes mate. what do you mean i am a youngster, I am starting to find white hair!!!
yes i can control dreams (i think) but what scares me more, is that the ones I don't control, are scary and most probably will be explained one way or the other in my daily life...

 
At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Manal said...

And here is the 6001st ;-)!
Best wishes for your birthday ;-)

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger _z. said...

hehe! thank you manal, and welcome!

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger Liliane said...

_z ma3 inno wasleh shwey m2akhara bass Happy Belated Birthday, ouf 30 :P shou kbir hihi kidding! I usually get depressed on even birthday and happy on odd ones :P so maybe you're like me!

As for the dream, i can imagine how the feeling stays with you even after you wake up, I guess you should come to Lebanon on christmas, maybe you just miss Lebanon! (and had watched Conspiracy Theory?)

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger AM said...

1 - happy belated birthday
2 - this is a movie i.e. a filem as we say bel 3arabe lol
3 - take it from a 33 year old, the thirties are the best years and you will only agree with me in a year or two
4 - i LOVE the photo
5 - i am jealous i cannot find seats to lebanon for christmas :(

 
At 2:08 AM, Blogger Mar said...

Happy Birthday again! I'm next... I agree with am... that the 30s are the best yrs,... I only do because I've heard it so many times from so many people.... it's just a little strange to turn 30...ok enough

 
At 4:46 AM, Blogger Nado said...

b kel 3een we2e7a jeye 2ilak happy birthday. lol
al shu al 6 days after!!! :(
hayda bi2aked eni ma fetet 3al google reader shi 7 days!
bas yalla ma enta hek hek btedal te2bal el taheni la ekher shaher november hahahah :P

in ur 29 birthday, u were happy, w kenet mtfeje2 kif sar hek lol.
bas hal sene ma zabtet m3ak. yalla meshi el7al btehoun.
inshala el sene el jeye btkoun ahsan.

khalaset ger ger ana, fa 3a2ebel el 120. ;)

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger _z. said...

liliane_
thank you for the wishes. well it didn't stay with me much, i wrote it off, but it stained my mood for the rest of the week.. that's true.

am_
thank you,
can't find tickets yet!!!! they are for 6.000$. that's crazy. and everything is booked. we'll see.

hope you're right about the 30s.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger _z. said...

mar_
should we sing you happy bday as of now? I have heard about the 30s also.. let's wait and see.

nado_
I am so honored you broke your silence only to wish me a happy birthday. really honored thank you.
was I happy on my 29th? I don't remember, let me check the archive.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger Mar said...

you got there earlier.. hows does it feel so far ? :) heheh waaaaaaaaaaaaa im freakin out!!

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger _z. said...

feels normal... nothing changes... i think.

 

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